He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
