This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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