I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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