I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
