it was like his penis was on wheels.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
