i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
