I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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