the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
