My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
