I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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