Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
