I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
