Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Randomize
