Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
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