Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
