Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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