I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
