just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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