Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
