Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
