So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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