I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
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