I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
