I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
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