So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize