i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
