and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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