I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
