I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
