You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
