He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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