Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
