Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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