it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
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