my mouth tastes like poor choices
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
