Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
My dick has a subreddit
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
