I feel like I'm in dance class right now
If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
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