Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
