True but thats because hes a fetus.
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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