just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
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