i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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