Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Randomize
