You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
