I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
