: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
