my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
We just shotgunned beers for America
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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