My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
