Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
