In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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