Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize
