Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
