At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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