My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Randomize
