She went from zero to smokin in five shots
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
