I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
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Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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