This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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